Mine

There are moments in life where you can see the storm clouds coming upon you. They're off on the horizon, and they're rolling towards you. You can see it as it starts the happen. The sun hides away, the wind begins to blow, the rain begins to pour... There are also times when the storms sneak up on you in the night unexpectedly. You wake up to a grey, overcast experience. Your heart feels heavy and burdened and you didn't really anticipate it.

I talk about emotional exhaustion because I experience it. I have very few people in my life who replenish my emotional reserves. VERY few. It's not that people don't try, want to, or that I don't want them to either. It's just that not everyone has that unique spiritual gift which is able to. This isn't an insult to them (or me), just a matter of facts.

I relate so wholly to Moses. I make a lot of jokes about being "Moses'd" here at our duty station (which I think Moses approves of... FYI. HA!). At a time when it was (and unfortunately still continues to be) most popular to ignore the books of old and look to the new testament, I connected to this amazing individual from way back in the past. I found myself in him, with every page. I found a God who got him, accepted him, and called him even though he so clearly did not fit in with any of the current (as in modern times...) religious stereotypes. Moses is my rockstar, and I'm a bit of a superfan.

Moses was called to something he didn't really want to be a part of. He felt weak, incapable, afraid. Moses was reluctant and battled God constantly. He was impulsive, angry, and gave of himself entirely to others... often times leading to his complete exhaustion (and desire to stop living out of the weight of it all). He was a questioner (But what if...?) with nearly everything God said. He was completely honest and vulnerable with God. He would throw temper tantrums with God, he would yell at Him! He took himself and laid bare all that he was and is and could be, right down in front of God and said "IN YO FACE!" Okay... he didn't really say "in yo face" but you get the point. He was real. He was feisty. And God expected a lot from him. Obviously because he was capable of handling it, even when he felt like he wasn't.

In my own life, I have been called to many situations where I "couldn't" handle it. I have, personally, had those conversations with God where I was begging for Him to end my life (this is not the same as suicidal... in case you are wondering). I have experienced, a million times over, emotional exhaustion to the extreme. I have desired to hide myself away, to withdraw and retreat from society, and I have done so in order to be alone with my God. And He is MY God.

I do not presume to consider myself as important as Moses was in the history of the world. I would never be that ridiculous. Obviously his calling and mine are not equal. But his spirit, his tenacity, his passion, his fatigue... I relate to. I connect with. I can't wait to meet him and say "Thank you for existing!".

The needs of the world are so intense. The needs of the Church are equally so. She is so broken. She is lost. The weight of that is immense. The weight of being called to the problems/challenges/hurts of those around me sometimes feels like too much to bear. I feel lost in it, without these moments of retreat where I take all of it and pour it out on my God. Where I am called to remember I raise my eyes up to the mountains. From whence shall come my help? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121.1-2).

I know my spiritual gifts. I know the calling that God has placed before me. I am grateful that He deems me worthy enough to handle it. It doesn't mean it is easy. I think we, as a Church, have gotten way too hung up on the "yoke being easy and the burden light." We've come to believe that God's callings are supposed to be a walk in the park. We've come to expect angst as "not God's will. We've lost the beauty in burdens. Moses' burdens were great. They were also immensely overwhelming. They were not "light" or "easy". What they did do, however, was force Moses to not get ahead of himself. They reminded Moses of his humanity, his vulnerability, and his need for God's presence, peace, healing, and leadership.

I am learning to be thankful for exhaustion. I'm learning to stop, when these times come, and immerse myself in my God, my King, my Savior. I'm learning to see these periods as reminders of my need for God's presence, peace, healing, and leadership in my own life. I'm learning to view them as God saying to me: This burden is heavy, and it's hard. That's why you need me. That's why I'm yours. I am bigger than your weakness. IN YO FACE! (God is funny when He comforts me. Don't get an attitude... HA!)

He is mine. In the most beautiful and magnificent way, He is mine.