Letting go.

It's astounding how utterly difficult it is for me to let go. At what point will I tell myself You've done enough. It can't be your problem anymore. You're exhausted. You're drained. Let. it. go.? Probably never. This is the battle that goes on in my brain every few days.

I am an FRG leader. For those of you who don't know what it means, it's essentially working a full time job for a company commander supporting, caring for, equipping, assisting, listening to, and encouraging all of the spouse's, mom's, dad's, girlfriend's, fiance's, sister's, brother's, children, etc etc that are associated and affiliated with the company. I have been one of these FRG leaders for nearly 9 years (there was a short six month break of psychos where I walked away to preserve my sanity). I have held hands and assisted in the births of children, assisted in the loss of infants, been to funerals for soldiers (and children, mothers, siblings), supported Commanders, defended first sergeants, brought the chain of command's mission and viewpoint to the spouses, and advocated on behalf of the soldiers and their families to the CO. I have sat with spouses as they reported their soldier's domestic violence. Helped spouses with alcoholism, and psychological disorders (theirs, their soldier's, and their children's). I have made meals, grieved with and laughed with so many spouses I can't even remember them all. I have not been the FRG leader for any married Commanders (so no spousal help there). In fact, none of them have even had girlfriends at the time. I have consistently and genuinely fought the fight, defended the cause, and been loyal to both the Commander and the company.

I have been thanked ONCE. One time. By one person. A spouse who was assaulted by a soldier. After she found safety, she called me and told me how much I helped her and asked if it would be okay if we remain in contact. We still do.

It's not that I do this for gratitude. I don't. I don't do it for accolades or to feel important or significant. To be honest, nearly every phone call/visit/interaction, SOMEONE is angry with me, or the commander, or the first sergeant, and is dumping it onto me. Or they've had their heads filled with such negative views of FRG's that they pretty much dislike me without ever getting to know me. No one helps. Not anymore. The younger generation of spouses have little to no idea of camaraderie. They're "independent" and they don't "need anyone". Until they're attempting suicide because their soldier is in the field and they haven't spoken to him in "days"... And then it's not the FRG, or the spouses who have lived through eight million deployments and days away from their soldier that they want, but only the soldier. What could I possibly know? It's not like I've lived through hell on behalf of the Army... right???

I am tired. My ability to care has run out. I recognize this fully. And I know I must step down. I have already determined to do so. I have resolved in my mind that I have little left to contribute. I am done rallying the troups. I am through listening to spouses with way more financial resources than me telling me they can't feed their children (as the new coach bag glistens on their arm). I'm tired of always making jokes, being supportive, when I think their soldier is a POS. I'm tired of not being able to talk to my husband about all of the things going on in my normal day, because it will make him loathe the soldiers who work under him. I'm tired of not being able to say what I want without having to constantly analyze whether or not I am disparaging the commander or the company name.

On the other side of this equation, I feel this burden of responsibility. I feel this pull on my heart towards the new spouse who just showed up to this installation with no idea about what she's getting herself in to. I feel this agony about myself that I used to feel when I was a "newbie". I remember how amazing it was when Judy loved on me, and my fellow new spouses, and welcomed me into this giant new life. And it is a GIANT new life. It's big and it's hard. It's also why we need each other (military spouses/moms/family members).

So I have this argument in myself. I have gone back and forth and back and forth again and again. I will probably feel sad, to some degree, when it's officially over. I am able to say, though, that I must let it go. I am able to recognize that my time doing this is finished, for now. I will move on, and I will have given so much of my heart and my time. I hope that I was able to make a positive difference in people's lives. I hope that the next FRG leader will be surrounded by grateful people. I hope she will be showered with thank you's and we appreciate you's. I hope she will have the stamina, wisdom, and passion to make something great.