Beautiful Battles

It isn't often that Chief and I draw the battle lines and have a good row. It isn't often that we're shouting at each other and furious. When it comes, it comes big. Adrenaline pumping, fists clenched, gritted teeth, yelling... It's quite the eruption.

Today was one of those rare occasions (to explain how rare, we fight maybe once a year... no joke). We were fighting about a stressful situation that had already been resolved. It's funny, isn't it? The ridiculous things that will cause two people who adore each other, to fight.

We dug in our heels, had our hands shaking, and forced ourselves to shout it out. We didn't walk away. We didn't throw out BS fighting terms (divorce... And I will say it's always BS to throw that out there in an argument), we didn't throw things, or slam doors. We sat there and shouted.

In the middle of this marital earthquake, Chief shouted at me: I don't even know why we're fighting! I LOVE YOU! and I laughed. I was thinking the exact same thing in that moment. I was about to say those exact same words to him! I laughed because I love this type of fighting. We weren't fighting against each other, we were fighting towards each other and that is beautiful. It's a beautiful battle to be fighting to get the muck that builds up between us out of the way. It's a beautiful place to be where you can be so angry, and have some one be so angry with you, and the words I love you are an active part of the dialogue.

Chief and I used to fight so ugly. We used to rip each other to shreds. We used to be our own worst enemies. I can't pinpoint the moment when that changed. I can't communicate the hurts that have been heaped upon me (and vice versa) out of his mouth. What I can say is that I married the most perfect person. I married the person who feels about me the way I feel about him: desperate love. I can say that we fight to be together, not apart.

I am so thankful for what God has given me. I'm so thankful for the miraculous healing that has been poured over us. I am thankful that I can sit here and say that my marriage has been through the fiercest aspects of hell, and now when we're angry... fighting! we're shouting out "I LOVE YOU!"

This is the kind of love that I pray for, with desperation, for our children. This is the kind of love that I dreamed about when I was younger, but didn't believe existed. This is the guy that I would die for, a thousand times over, because I know he would do the same for me and then some. This is the person who fought himself out of psychological death to come back and be next to me because I needed him to.

So today we had one of those beautiful battles. Today Chief stared me down, and even in his angriest moment, his eyes were filled with the most intense love for me. Today, when we were so angry our hands were shaking, love for each other was pouring out, instead of hate. Today we showed our children that two people who are nuts for each other, can have a fight and still display love. Beautiful.

Thanks be to God.