What love can do

I have been randomly accused of being strong. It's a statement that I hear and honestly think in my head you have no idea how wrong that is. But maybe it comes down to different definitions and perceptions of what strength is. In my own mind, strength is someone who doesn't need someone else. Strength is someone who can make clear, concise decisions without second guessing them. Strength is not monday-morning quarterbacking every. single. conversation/meeting/get-together. Strength is not crumbling to a thousand tiny pieces, and having to retreat from social society for lengthy periods because it's all just become "too much". Strength is being able to bounce back from the emotion tolls that drag you around the city like you are strapped to a speeding horse, instead of falling into bed feeling so defeated, broken and helpless. Strength is not having emotions that you keep to yourself because you are incapable of exposing them to the outside air, or to the people around you (with a very select few...). 

In my own universe, I am the opposite of strong. I am a basket case. I am a withering, blubbering, often times half breath away from disintegrating, mess of an individual. But I'm also working hard to accept that and be okay with that. I'm also fully aware that it is Chief, immaculately chosen and created for me, that gets me through so much. I don't make any qualms about that. He is the absolute love of my life, my pillar of strength, my backbone. 

He knows me better than anyone else. I wouldn't say he understands me or relates to me better than anyone else, but he certainly knows me the best. He has this beautifully protective essence to his personality. He has a wisdom to know when to let me fall apart, when to keep me from falling, and when to fall with me. He has this insight to me that I don't understand, and usually argue against, until I think about it and realize he's right. He also always puts what is best for me, and our children, above himself. Always. I don't know how he does that. I don't know how he is as selfless as he is. It astounds me. I want to emulate that. 

I, in no way, believe that our relationship is what someone else's relationship should be. I don't hold myself up on some relationship pedestal and think I've got this all figured out. I don't. I put this man through hell for years, and he put me through hell for years. Maybe we both walked into this relationship battle-scarred, and had to resolve the wars in our heads before peace could come. I don't know. Maybe I'll never adequately know. But I do know that every single day, he picks me up in some way. Every single day he shows me my value to him in some way. Every day. And those moments carry me through.

When someone says that I'm strong, I play this song in my head that says something like this I'm not strong. I'm a mess. And any strength-like credit that you think I deserve, should probably go to Chief. He's the one who so often picks up the pieces of my emotional traumas and helps me to gather myself together and keep on going.