Party of Pity

I am having one of those days where you wake up and just need to cry. I am overwhelmed. I'm drained. I feel empty. I feel a thousand things that are probably inappropriate to write, but they're there. I. am. tired. It's a mental thing, not a physical one. I feel buried under a mountain of stress and it's so big and so deep and so wide that I can't even pinpoint exactly what all it is that is so overwhelming. It's about a hundred different items that are all threes and fours on the scale of burdensome (scale goes 1-10), but collectively equal four hundred. I could list them but it wouldn't matter. You'd just judge me and think what the hell is her problem and I'd just judge myself and think the same, adding another level 3 burden to the stack. It's probably not beneficial.

Please don't offer the religious platitudes either. I've done them (or am doing them) and I'm so irritated with the Christian realm pretending that we're all supposed to be smiley-happy-duggar family people. We're not. Christ wasn't. Scripture says "A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecc 3.4) for a reason. It's because we were created to be multi-emotional (WHAT!?!?!?!) and not cookie cutter bubblegum pop human beings.

Life sucks. This whole notion of "life is beautiful" is very often not true. Yes, there are times when it is, but there are also times when it is ugly.

I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know I am immensely blessed. I know I have so many good things to focus on and dwell on. And I'm working on that. But I'm tired. I miss my husband. I really miss him. He works constantly. Comes home and falls asleep and wakes up to do it again. And I miss him. Last night he fell asleep and I was sitting on the couch resentful, exhausted, angry. I was borderline about to throw an adult temper tantrum (seriously), when in his sleepy state he said I miss you SO much baby. I missed you so much today. Cut my heart, in a good way.

I know that this is his time to lead and I deeply want to be supportive and encouraging. I am trying my best to prepare myself mentally for that. I am so proud of him. I really am. He deserves success. And I know that this is how it goes... the bigger the rank (for enlisted), the greater the time commitment...

I suppose if all of these other little events were so exhausting, I could handle this all better. I suppose if a thousand other scenarios were playing out, maybe I would be less angry, and more happy. I suppose a lot of things that frankly aren't our reality right now.

This morning I've just wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself. This morning I feel sad, tired, drained. This morning I really miss Chief and want to snuggle up next to him. This morning I'm attending my own pity party. Want to come? You can bring the hats.