Waves

I was knee-deep in self misery and wallowing. I was trapped in self pitying scenario, like a broken record skipping over and over again. I was lost in the vicious mind-cycle of asking why, over and over again. And one day I woke up and finally accepted the outcome. One day the changes became habits and the habits became the norm and I stopped asking. It was what it was. It is what it is. And it will be what it will be.

So I put one foot in front of the other and I transformed myself to this new reality. I could handle it. I could juggle it all. I thrive in chaos. It's what's been the norm my whole life. I was equipped.

I think I did a pretty good job of it. It started to feel like it wasn't that big of a deal. But then a moment would come where someone would ask about it and I'd list each condition, each challenge, each diagnosis and my whole head would start spinning and I would think Do I really do this every single day!?

The truth of it all is that I am exhausted. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of tests. I'm sick of "conditions" and medicine and creams and on and on. I'm sick of going through every single day with eighteen thousand things that my brain has to remember and process and deal with. I'm. tired.

What I most want to convey to people is that parents with children who have special needs are exhausted. They don't need to be pitied or rescued. They need you to understand that sometimes they alienate, they "disappear", they don't call for a while, they withdraw... Not because they don't appreciate you, or value you in their lives. They do it for self preservation. They do it to climb inside of themselves, lick their wounds, and re-emerge stronger.

I am so tired. I am just trying to keep going. It's hard when you're so tired of things you can't change, fix, or will away. I'm tired of conditions and there is nothing I can do about them. I'm tired of all of things that massively impact my life, and I can not influence them at all. I'm tired of medicine. I'm tired of tests. I'm tired of going to the doctor all the time.

I have so much to count as my blessings. I work hard to speak of those things, and to focus on those things. Not in an effort to ignore my frustrations, but rather in an effort to keep my mind focused on the good. It's like being a wave. You can choose to lament over being crashed on the shore, sucked out to sea, and then tossed around over and over again, or you can choose to acknowledge that the sand is always there to catch you.

I am blessed that I have one heck of a beautiful beach always there to catch me. I'm blessed that he is the backbone of all that I am, and that he is strong enough to handle the ferociousness of my crashing down. I am thankful that he resists the force of my churning, but yet moves and bends with me. He works against me and with me at the same time. And the result is something beautiful that only the two of us together can create.

But today I'm tired. Today I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. Today I want to cancel the doctor's appointments that we have almost every single day for the next week. Today I want to not give any medicines or treatments or any thought to conditions...

But instead I'll keep crashing on that beach. And I'll take great comfort in that he'll always be there to catch me when I fall. Today I'll focus on that, and maybe tomorrow I won't feel so drained.