There are moments where you just really need to get up at five am with your husband. Moments where you need to lay down on the couch, ear to his chest, and fall asleep to his heartbeat. There are moments where the only time comfort comes is in that place, in that experience, where you know that your hearts are beating in unison... They are beating as one.
The last few months have been wrought with emotional roller coasters. I feel like it's been an endless array of the platform on which I'm standing dropping lower, becoming content in it, and then it dropping again. The cycle keeps coming and I'm growing weary.
There are moments when I envy the simple mindedness that others seem to enjoy. There are moments when I wish the complicated experiences that I carry around in my head would just go away. There are moments when I wish I could be someone other than who I am.
But isn't that really how it is for everyone? Don't we all look around at the lives of others and think they've got it better? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
When I look around at what I have I feel like sucker punching myself. I am blessed beyond words. I have so much more than I ever hoped, imagined, envisioned, and prayed for. And the real truth is that if it wasn't for Chief, I'd probably be dead. I was dead for so long before he came. Sure people would come in and out of the picture with their CPR machines and their attempts at reviving my dead heart. And maybe it would beat for a while but it always went right back to where it was. Until he came. And then everything changed. I started feeling things I'd never felt before. I started to see the world in different colors and my whole vision of my future changed. He made my heart beat because it wanted to. Not because he begged it to.
I can honestly say that every time I look over at him I think wow. I feel breathless. And to have one human being who is capable of quieting the voices in my mind... well that's priceless.
Our kids are pretty awesome. And they surprise me at completely random times. Take today, for instance, the trips aced their schoolwork. Almost every single day they fight and resist me in every way possible. But today? Nope! They were on their A games and they rocked it. That was really cool.
They do amazing and kind things for each other, most often when no one is looking or paying attention. Yes, they fight like crazy, but then I'll walk down the hallway and catch Charchee saying to Brun Here sister! You should have this Barbie because she's the prettiest and you are beautiful. That's what I get to experience every day.
I have this dog who completely gets me. He gets when I need to be left alone and when I need to be loved on. He knows when I need to be distracted and he does it. He's my four legged soul mate. And I often say (and believe) that he's the four-legged-love-of-my-life.
And yet with all these amazing aspects of my life, I still have moments of dissatisfaction. I still struggle with wanting something else, or something more. I still look at other people's lives and think wow, they have it so easy. It's a sickness really. It's this irritating aspect of myself where I am completely in denial about how awesome the life I have is.
But I can honestly tell you, I have moments where I need to get up at five am, put my ear to his chest, listen to his heartbeat and fall asleep. There are moments where that's the only time I feel any sort of comfort. And that's okay.
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