Ace

It was a crazy period of my life. Every thing was sort of disintegrating and I lost my footing. For that period of time, the falling seemed to never stop. As soon as I thought I'd hit rock bottom it would get deeper. As soon as I thought it couldn't get any worse, it would.

You were thrown into my lap by the guilty conscience of the SOB whose name is tattooed on my mind. His markings came and went and I am grateful that I don't remember his face anymore. But the scars are evident. They ache sometimes, though those are fewer and farther apart as the years go by.

You told me you were the cleaner. He'd make a mess and you'd get sent in to fix what he broke. You didn't reckon you'd fall in love with me. I didn't reckon you'd make me feel much of anything. I was so numb. I was in such denial. But there you were in the midst of the complete chaotic moments of my life and all of a sudden I had some one that I believed in.

It was so stupid to be so stupidly in love. It was so foolish to think that it would actually take us anywhere. We were young and naive and all-in. The crazy thing is that I still, to this day, can't pinpoint exactly why I was so desperate for you or why we both were so harmed by that period of time where we were together.

So much of the ins and outs have faded away now. When I look back on it, I usually smile. It was a time when I needed someone and you were there. It was a time when I was a complete nutcase and you still stuck around. It was a time where I felt toxic and hideous and unattainable and you stood firm like a rock while I crashed up against you over and over again.

It was also the most painful goodbye I ever experienced. And you called me a few weeks later on my birthday. I remember shaking and sobbing uncontrollably when the call ended. I was curled up in a bawl for a year over you. I cried more than I ever cried about anything, over you. Saying goodbye to you hurt.

The truth was that we just didn't have it in us to love each other the ways that were needed. There weren't any good guys or bad guys. There was just two people who had the ability to see the good in each other, but not the skills required to love each other peacefully.

I still think about you some times. I still think about how hard I loved you, and that some part of me always will.