I have read every single book known to human kind of parenting. Okay, well maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but still... I've read a lot. I have also had the pleasure of being the mother of (and giving birth to) fifteen thousand children (question... Am I exaggerating now!?). In all that I have heard of, read, spoken with people about, and on and on, I must admit that women have completely overlooked a major issue in regards to having given birth to children: swimsuits.
Pre-children, my body fit so wonderfully into those cute little suits. My tummy was flat and fit well. My hips managed to stay inside the suit. My upper portion... Let's just say, in the interest of modesty, fit nicely where they were all supposed to be. All was not wonderful in the swimsuit arena (um...show me a woman who feels good in a swimsuit and I will show you a lunatic...LOL), but it wasn't a version of a nightmare.
Post-triplets (this is one of those areas where I am hardcore playing that triplet card...Yup! I am playing it like THAT!), I honestly have concern for the eyes of the poor individuals who must gaze upon my swimsuited self. You see...having babies just kind of ruins swimsuitville.
My torso area? Um... You can always tell the breast feeders. You can. When they are in a swimsuit, their "torso" literally does sag down to their ankles. Not to mention everything is just shaped differently...more pointy, and that doesn't really combine well into a suit that doesn't have wiring and push-upness, and lycra surrounding it to keep your breast feeding mama jewels in place. So the "torso" ends up flat as can be (in the area where they're supposed to be located), and the "lumpy portion" ends up somewhere around your belly button.
My stomach? Oh dear... Let me just say that my uterus seems to have enjoyed having children. So much so that it insists on constantly looking like there is another set of human beings growing in there. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I look permanently pregnant. Because of this, I have decided to coin a new phrase. Instead of pregnant women saying, "I'm just acting like this because I'm pregnant!" I believe us ex-pregnant women should get to say, "I'm just acting like this because I look pregnant!"
The rear... Women who have had babies have hips that have widened. It's part of the biology of a human coming through your pelvic bones. However, the folks who make swimsuits seem to have been lost on this point. I dare you to find a "normal" swimsuit (that isn't board shorts) that will actually stay over your post-baby-booty.
Combine all of these lovely aspects together and what do you get? One paranoid individual who every time she arises out of the water, checks to make sure the family jewels are still in place, and that someone isn't traumatized by the non pregnant uterus, or the "lumps" that are reminiscent of breasts but hanging out around a woman's belly button.
Women, when wearing suits, always look around to try to make sure they're not the only "fluffy" one in a suit. They just don't want to be the biggest person there. Of course almost all of us want to be the James Bond chick, but most of us aren't (unless your name is BK...and I hope that KK realizes how utterly lucky he is that God blessed you with a post baby body that LITERALLY looks like it has NEVER delivered forth a child...). So we at least want to make sure we're not the "fluffiest" one in the water arena. Well, I am now that person. Yup...I promise you. I am the person who most people (I am convinced) look at and go...WOW! What'd she do!? Deliver triplets!? But here is the really kicker...I actually get to say, "YUP! Yes, I did!"
Here's to all of my gals who hate wearing swimsuits! :)
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