Death

Nuggets,

I don't want you to be afraid of death. Not yours, or mine, or anyone else's. I spent a lot of time being afraid of death as a little kid. It was like opening a door that I couldn't see beyond and it scared me. It seemed so final, so painful, so horrifying.

Death can be horrifying. It can be gruesome and painful and slow. Truth be told, right now I am slowly dying. And so are you. Kind of crazy to think about, isn't it? Death can also be sudden. Like the pop of a firework on the 4th of July, death can come knocking on anyone's door any second. Maybe it could happen in a car accident, maybe a blood clot, maybe a heart attack... death looms everywhere. And yet we spend so much time ignoring it.

Please, for the love of humanity, don't ignore death. Everyone dies. It's a fact: death and taxes. Even the unreligious folks have to acknowledge it. It is undeniable. I want you to live every single day with this reality present in your mind: one day you will die... then what?

What will your life have meant? What will your legacy be? Where will your story end? Will people breathe a sigh of relief upon your last breath? Or will the agony of a life without you seem daunting? Will the world care that you walked upon her surface? Will the earth itself mourn your absence? Will you have poured out so much grace, love, joy, kindness, patience that the void of your absence will send echoes around the world? What about in the people that surround you?

I don't want you to fear my death. Even when my heart stops beating, my blood stops pumping, my brain stops processing, I will still be with you. I like to envision the Angels in heaven, anticipating my arrival, like we anticipate the end of Daddy's deployments. Maybe they'll have banners, maybe they are currently counting down the minutes. Maybe they're waiting on the 72-hour-notification process. Maybe the Saints are all jumping up and down with excitement, looking for the plane, wanting the moments to hurry up! With each moment that ticks away here, I am one moment closer, there. There... Please don't ever forget about all that I have told you about "There". All of my feisty, go-getter-attitude, will still be with me when I get There. All the spunkiness, that God created me to be (my Martha personality) will still be with me when I get There. I will still pray for you, protect you, and love you. No matter what.

I try hard to remember these things in my daily moments. I try to think about what I want to be imprinted in your memories of me. I work hard on constantly calling to mind my own death. Because I want it to lead the way I live. I want my life to change the world. I want my life to pour out love on people with every single beat of my heart. I want my absence to send echoes around the world. Not in grief, or sadness, but rather in inspiration. I want my life to be an inspiration to others: love with all you have.  

Remember this: live this day, like you are dying... because you are. Live a life that echoes throughout the world. The world needs that kind of love. Desperately. You were brought here for such a purpose as this. And always remember that I love you with all that I am, was, and will ever be. I have given all I have to you and your Daddy, and it's been the best experience that ever could have happened in my life. You five, are the echoes that have reverberated in my soul, and changed my world in every single way. I will never be the same, I can't be, because of you. I hope you always hold that fact close to your soul. I hope you take it out on dark days, and it gives you comfort. Your lives already have made a beautifully massive impact. Look what Love can do.