It's a powerful life moment when you recognize that you are not as "christianly" mature as you think you are. The moment where it hits you like a sucker punch to the soul, and your 30+ years of seeking, trying, studying, learning, growing, believing more of yourself comes crashing down like a ming vase at your feet. You are not as grown up as you imagine.
In America, Christianity is a farce. It's a sickness that permeates through our religious society and has broken our witness. We are knee deep in Bible studies, Sunday School classes, Scripture memorization, and religious statements, but they penetrate no deeper than the most surface layer of our souls.
What is love of God? It's a soul changing, heart gutting, give-it-all-up-and-away experience. It's seeing the world with a completely different set of eyes. It's reflexive. It's your knee-jerk reactions in pivotal moments. And therein lies the answer to the depth of your "christian" maturity... when you are hurt, angered, rejected, lied to, cheated, mistreated, cut off on the freeway'd, what is your knee-jerk reaction? When you walk by the homeless person who is begging you for money/food/water, what do you instinctively do? Look away? When a "friend" rejects you for your faith, or an acquaintance spreads lies about your family, how do you respond in your heart? Is it with vengeance? Anger? Hatred? Animosity? Self pity? Rage?
If you're me, then it's probably all of the above. And it's an ugly heart exposure type of scenario. I'm going to make so and so pay for this injustice. They'll regret crossing me! Knee-jerk, almost reflexive, responses. In the midst of my rage, I heard a voice, almost whispering, "Where is Jesus in you?" Truth is, He wasn't. He wasn't present in my heart at all. The only sentiments that brought him up to my brain were self centered Why are You doing this to me? Not very Jesus-y to me...
So I freely confess, I have a milk and honey christian heart. I place myself in the bottom of the ladder and I confess that my heart is sick, and disgusting, and ugly. My heart seems to have learned these surface responses of love and kindness, but underneath it's all rage. I expose the ugliness. I confess it. Because I want to be a meat-fed Christian.
I want my heart to react with gentleness, patience, love, mercy, goodness, self-control when tested. I want my heart to reflexively show kindness and persistence in the face of immeasurable hostility. I want my love to be bigger than as long as You give me everything I want, when I want it, how I want it. I want my peace to be deeper than milk and honey Jesus.
The Apostles didn't live on milk and honey. They were tortured, tested, rejected, forsaken, starved, beaten, abandoned. Joy abounded. Joy abounded! Absorb that for a moment. They weren't launched in to a panic mode because the government cut off their paychecks. They weren't launched in to an angry, vengeful, spiteful viewpoint because the government beat them (and many were killed). They reacted with love, mercy, gentleness and faithfulness. They were meaty Christians. They were grown up Christians. They were beautiful, hopeful, and inspiring. Because the things of this world stopped mattering. The hurts, angsts, frustrations, and horrible things of life on earth washed away. Their eyes were fixed on eternity. Their minds were made clear.
I want to be that kind of Follower. I want to know Love like that. I want to live Love like that.
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