Impact Moments

There are moments in life where the road direction changes. It doesn't matter if you are anticipating it, avoiding it, or wanting it. The fork is there, the impact is impending, the choice is yours. Life moves in slow motion in those moments. It's you vs the questions that you don't want answers to. It's you vs all of the stuff you haven't taken the time to face. It's you vs what you wanted and reality.

The silence before an impact is deafening. They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but I say it happens before the choice. I say it happens as you're sitting there gutted out, ears ringing, heart aching, hands shaking. I say it happens in the instant where your whole world view becomes something different and you're left wondering what the hell to do next. I say it happens as the shock erupts through your body and forces its will upon you.

Grief hits in a myriad of ways. The loss of the life-direction can be devastating. Change sucks. Learning to find yourself in the midst of the unbalanced, unpredictable, constantly shifting chaos is powerful. Finding light in the darkness, peace in the muck, and sanity in the insane is like finding a tiny space of fresh air. You're gasping and gasping and clutching at straws just trying to make sense of it all. But maybe that's the point of it. Life doesn't make sense. It's irrational, ridiculous, and almost embarrassing when you trim it all down to brass tax.

We waste so much time trying to understand why we're not "happy". We spend ungodly amounts of money on self help books, counselors, alcohol to medicate away the symptoms of life. It's really just "okayish". I think that's sort of the trick of it. Learn to accept that life is just "okayish". Some times it's hell, sometimes it's heaven, and when the scales of impossible experiences are weighed, we should be able to say "It was okayish."

But for now, there are these moments of forks in the road. For now there are these shaky hands that won't steady themselves, and ears that won't stop ringing. For now this heart is aching and racing in such a deeply unnatural state, as it forces the mind to accept a new scenario. For now there are new scenes unfolding, and the subconscious just keeps whispering over and over again Resistance is futile. Resistance is futile. Resistance is futile. 

Resistance is futile. The change is here. Nothing will ever be the same again. Ever.