Moments come where the sucker punch is so intense you can barely see through it. The sting of grief overwhelms and your whole self is broken. This grief, this heart devastation, manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes it's crying in the shower, sometimes it's curled up on the floor staring in to space. Sometimes it's lost in silent pain, holding hands with your best friend.
Goodbye stings deeper than almost any sting. The memories become ghosts, haunting your thoughts. They randomly launch you into a happy moment, only to leave you with the grieve of the harsh reality: they are gone.
I am sitting here trying to say goodbye. Goodbye to what I envisioned, goodbye to what I wanted, goodbye to something good to look forward to. Good bye to you.
I feel sick to my stomach. I find myself alternating between functioning and disconnecting. Trying to disengage myself from the ghost of your presence is practically impossible. And I hate you for that. I hate you for hurting me. I hate me for hating you. Which leads to anger, and helplessness. Is that really the root cause of it all? Being utterly helpless?
I am so helpless. I can't do anything! I can't make anything happen, or prevent anything from happening, or keep anyone here. I can't make death go away, or the sting of loss, or eradicate grief. I am like a grain of sand, tossed around by the whims of the Ocean and His will. I feel battered and bruised and defeated.
I miss you.
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