Last night I was a part of a difficult conversation. I re-lived a memory of something awful. The kind of awful that was so hideous it repainted my world view. The kind of awful that I don't really know how to talk about.  The kind of experience that is impossible to discuss without a massive flood of overwhelming emotions. The conversation was with my daughter and the questions were ones I promised not to evade or avoid. I always swore to myself I would equip and prepare my children for what could happen. And I knew that in those equipping conversations, questions would eventually arise.

I did my best to remain calm and collected. I laid it all out, the entire event. More than I have ever been capable of doing so before. I answered every single one of her stinging questions.

When it was all over, I felt like I had just experienced war. I felt so caught up in emotions that I had so long thought I had learned to cope with. They aren't the kind of emotions you let go of... they're like ghosts that follow you around. You know they're there... they're always there. But they don't haunt you like they used to and you eventually get to a place of contented presence. Apparently I wasn't as content as I thought. I have forgiven the awful. I truly have. But as hard as it is for many to understand, you can forgive a demon for ripping apart your flesh, but that does not erase the scars from the attack.

Chief did his best to wrap his human decency around my tortured mind. He knew that a sort of PTSD was going on in my head. He understands what are my fights and he allows me the freedom and courage to have them. But he also doesn't abandon me to them. He reminds me that Love is there too. Awful isn't the only thing that lives in me. His love lives there too. And he wrapped my angry and hurt brain up in his healing love.  Nestled there in that place, I fell asleep.

It's astounding how much punishment I pour over myself because of what awful did. I am thankful, eternally so, for my dear friend who reminded me that awful doesn't hold all of the cards. And that it still hurting doesn't mean I'm trapped in perpetual misery. I'm thankful for her allowing me the freedom to be angry, vulnerable, and scared. And I am scared. I am scared that an awful will show up in any one of my children's lives and I'll be unable to protect them from it. I'm scared that our country will continue to perpetuate the type of situations that make awful's seem "okay" or "not a big deal."

But right now, my brain is wrapped up in eastern light. Right now my eyes are resting on the love of my life who calls me home to safety. Right now my heart is resting in the joy that awful didn't defeat me or destroy me. I exposed it. I expressed it. And I hope with all of my heart, that my daughter can glean something good from my nightmare.