It is hard that my entire family lives there. And my relationship with my family is probably complex, in the best word. I have four sisters, some step brothers, and a half brother. I don't really have the best relationship with them, in the idea that we're all best friends and talk all the time. We don't really connect about very much, or have a lot in common, but that's okay. It's strange because they're the only people on this planet that I can absolutely not stand but at the exact same time, they're the only people I would drop everything for and come running, if I was needed. That's just sort of how it is. Your family is your family. It doesn't matter if you think alike, or live alike, or even understand each other. You will always have your sisters, you will always have the craziness that was your childhood, and you always have each others backs (at least when facing the world).
My family has taught me a lot about love. They've probably taught me the most about grace. The hurts were deep and intense. It wasn't necessarily anyone's fault. It just was what it was. I was different. Not really in any group or category I grew up feeling like an outcast. I think they believed I didn't want to connect. Probably somewhere in the middle was the reality...
I know I've hurt them. I know I've made them feel unwanted. I know I haven't reached out as well as I should have, or worked as hard as I could to bridge the gaps in our differences.
But I hope they always know that in spite of these things, I love them. I hope they understand that even though I suck at so many things and I hate the place that they live, I still like being around them. I hope they believe that even though I've midwesternized, forsaken my SoCal roots and can't stand pigheaded politics, I don't think they're idiots. I hope they always grasp that I would do anything I could for them, that I pray for them, and that I appreciate them, even if I don't say it. I hope they understand that I admire them, sometimes for the things that irritate me the most about them.
So to the four people who understand things like Ani D lyrics, and what it means when we're writing them:
hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next we don't know what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
we call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water
over the dam
and maybe the moral high ground
isn't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
who've done some bad things
i just hope it was o.k., i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh and say
it was all worth it
i have had something to prove
as long as i've had something that needs improving
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman's movement
first you decide what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see each other thru it
we make our own gravity
to give weight to things
and then things fall and they break
and gravity sings
we can only hold so much is what i figure
we try and keep our eye on the big picture
and the picture keeps getting bigger
too much is how i love you
but too well is how i know you
i've got nothing to prove this time
just something to show you
i guess i just wanted you to see
that it was all worth it to me
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