Spirit

Mike and got married, quite quickly, right before he left for his third deployment. We became pregnant with our oldest child almost immediately after getting married (quite possibly even our wedding night). Literally five days after discovering we were going to have a baby, he left to go to Iraq. I was in a new state, a new city, a completely new lifestyle, and a thousand changes were coming at me a mile a minute. My best friend left. Back in those days, there wasn't the internet in Iraq. There was very infrequent phone calls. The main mode of communication was snail-mail and even that was sparse and somewhat unreliable. Don't get me wrong, it was nothing like WWII days, but it wasn't the same as how things were when we finally left Iraq for good.

Everything in my world was changed. My entire life plans, my entire life everything was completely turned upside down. I was never "supposed" to be able to get pregnant. I was far from every single person I knew. So much so that I called a local church, and a sweet, sweet woman (who didn't even know me) came with my to my first doctor's appointment. 

I am a Bryan Adams fan. I like his music, a lot. I had heard he did the soundtrack for a movie about a horse, Spirit, and without ever hearing it I bought it. This music spoke to my heart in every way. It conjured up images of my husband and played, musically, everything I was feeling. Adventurous. Like a fighter. Broken. Trapped. Forsaken. In love. This music gave me courage. It made me braver. I had no idea at the time, how much courage and bravery I would need in the months to come. I had no idea...

While listening to Spirit, Lolli was growing away in my body. Every single time I played the music, she would kick and become incredibly active. The only other time she was equally as active was when I played Chief's recorded voice. I thought that she liked it. My sisters and my mom, would tease me and say I was crazy. And I'd just shrug my shoulders. 

We hadn't listened to that music in at least five years. I sort of forgot I even had it. Then all of a sudden Lolli found the CD and asked if we could play it. I laughed and said I used to play that all the time when Chief was deployed right after we got married. So I turned it on. She danced and sat still and listened to the entire album. Now, if you know Lolli, she loves to dance, so that didn't surprise me much, but she doesn't usually sit still for an hour listening to music.

Then when she got sick, she would ask for me to play Spirit. In particular, she would ask for one song called "Run Free" on the Spirit album, which was my favorite of all the songs. Yes, it's heavily synthesized and I wish it was actually played with an orchestra instead of keyboards, but the music brings up something in me. Apparently it does to Lolli too. She told me when we were on the way to the hospital that this song was "our song" and that if either of us ever feel lonely or afraid we should listen to this song and remember that we're not alone. 

This is her song. She loved it in my womb and she loves it now. It makes her light up. It makes her smile. As I'm sitting here writing this, she is currently humming the tune and running around with her brother. 

Maybe I wasn't crazy after all. Maybe that music really did have the ability to console two scared human beings, who both wanted Chief to come home alive and well. Maybe it didn't just give me courage. Maybe it gave my growing child courage too.