My Confession

For those non-Catholics (NCs) out there, confession is considered wicked. Confession is considered to be a time when you go to a human being and that human being says "Okay. God won't hold you accountable for this ever again." and you're good to go. For NCs, this is blasphemy. When I sin, I sin against God and God alone, and He alone can forgive my sins.

I spent years fighting against the understanding of this action. And I can honestly tell you, I never in my wildest dreams would have believed that I would be going to confession. But God brings people into our lives when we need them. They are human versions of His spiritual arms and they come and bring good news. Sometimes that news is hard to swallow, or difficult to hear, or requires an incredible amount of arguing and challenging, but good news is always good news, even if the choices one must make after hearing it, hurts.

Many of you know that my husband and I are converting to Catholicism. This was not a decision made lightly, and I have told some of my Catholic friends that I fear I will be joining by the skin of my teeth. I argue. I challenge everything said. I know the Bible (I am always learning more), and I know what it says and I won't just be coddled or BSed into buying into any sort of group mentality. When it comes to God, I believe it is absolutely wicked to do that. God is my beloved, and I will not ever allow myself to be joined to anything that  speaks falsely of Him.

That is the ultimate reason why I had to leave Protestantism. It just never added up. If 20,000 different "protestant" faiths are teaching 20,000 different perspectives, only one of them can be right (one says you can't drink, another says you can. One says dancing is a sin, another requires it. etc etc etc).

Forgive me, I'm not writing an attack on Protestantism.

Confession is not about the priest. The priest has nothing to do with it. Confession is about you and God. Confession is about pouring light into the darkness that sin creates. Confession is exposing the secrets that Christians carry around about their sin. Confession is saying out loud, to another person, what you have done. Our sins are already forgiven before we see the priest. Our sins are forgiven by Christ. Confession is an environment where you are in front of another human being and saying "This is my sin. This is what I need to work on. This is how I want to grow and change."

It's beautiful. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. To sit in front of a person that I hold with an incredible amount of admiration and tell him my sins, was agonizing. In my previous church, sins were discussed (in general terms) but never exposed. Everyone walked around with the facade that they were open about their sins, but never once in all my years of leading Bible studies and small groups did I ever hear a person say "This is my sin. It is wicked and destructive. This is how I will stop doing it." Sin was discussed in past tense terms "I was an alcoholic. I was a drug addict. But I'm free now!"

So I sat down, face to face, and I poured out my sins. I poured out my broken heart. I poured out the agony that my spirit faces when I betray my Beloved. I poured out myself and I was accepted. I was forgiven. My priest said "Do you believe, I mean really believe that your sins have been forgiven? Christ has wiped you clean. KNOW that you are forgiven. No more shame." I think in his wisdom, he knew I didn't. He knew that even all the times I've asked God to forgive me, this aspect of myself never really believed He did. The shame of my wickedness I carry around like a second skin. I am worthy of nothing.

When I left confession, a woman I didn't know came up to me and hugged me. She said "You are glowing!" And I can't explain to you why I felt so much lighter walking out of that place. Maybe having another human being tell you that God hears your broken heart and has forgiven you is incredibly more powerful than I could have imagined. Maybe pouring light into the festering wounds of my choices is more healing than I could have fathomed. Maybe I have finally understood that I am forgiven.

The grace I have discovered humbles me. The love that is displayed is abundant. This is my confession.