You know when you have one of those days where you want to crawl in to a cave and hide? It's been one of those days. The kids were just aggravating me to the umpth degree. They were screaming and fighting a lot. They were telling me "NO" and back talking in regards to every single situation. And I sit here...grateful. I'm thankful for their back talk. I'm thankful for their fighting personalities. They exhaust me sometimes. But they're beautiful. I love that they're fighters. I love that all four of them have that spark, that determination, that strong will that will carry them so far in their lives. I'm grateful. They are so smart. I'm sure a lot of moms say that their kids are smart and beautiful, etc etc. But mine are! I'm just in awe of how magnificently God has created them. I'm grateful for their cries and their anger. I'm grateful that I get to be here to experience them. There are definitely days when I need a break, or I'm just too burnt out to appreciate them. But I think about the parents who have buried their children, or who's children have been evilly taken away from them, and what they would give to hear the fighting and the crying.
I get these random moments where I see their father so clearly in them. Tonight, in the bath, Brun looked EXACTLY like her daddy. I looked at her, and she had this look on her face that was an expression her father makes. I sat there and I just hugged her. I got all wet, but it was a beautiful moment. I love seeing their father in them. It makes me smile, it makes me feel joy. He is such a wonderful man. I can't say it enough. I am so blessed by God. I have four beautiful, wonderful children. I have one spectacular man. He is the proof that God gives amazing gifts. He's my best friend. I realize that I say that often, but it's true. He calls me his girlfriend. It was something my grandfather used to call my grandmother. And he calls me his girlfriend. I asked him if he said it because my grandfather did, and he said he'd forgotten my grandpa did that and that he does it because he wants me to know he CHOOSES me...isn't obligated to be with me, but rather chooses me every day. How beautiful is that? It's immaculate. It's wonderful. And I'm grateful.
Tonight I will lay my head down on my pillow, and as I always do before I close my eyes, I will look at his picture right next to my bed. His face is always the last face I see at night, and the first one I see in the morning. And I will ask God to give me dreams of him. Because when I dream of him, I feel less alone. I miss him so much more than words could ever say.