This past week has felt like an emotional roller coaster. It's seemed like every day has brought more and more bad news. Car accidents have happened, big news has come bringing anxiety with it...
Yesterday was Sunday and I woke up thinking about how badly I didn't want to go. I'm so angry with God. I feel like these last days together with my husband should be joyful and wonderful, not filled with car accidents and drama every single day. I've barely seen him. By the time he gets home from work, there's a thousand errands that we have to get done in order to be ready for his deployment. We're constantly running around trying to get things done. I'm mentally drained.
So I woke up thinking that I was mad at God and didn't want to go. But then I knew in my heart that church was exactly where I needed to be. I dragged my butt out of bed. When I went to blow my nose, I heard a snap in my spine and immediate pain rush down my back. I slipped one of my discs back out of alignment and I was in a lot of pain. Nevertheless, I still knew that I needed to be at church. So despite the pain, I went.
I am often reminded of how much God gives us what we need, when we need it. That sermon spoke directly to my broken and angry heart. It was entirely about finding peace in God's "room". In the service, they called up all the family members of soldiers and the soldiers themselves and they prayed for us. I didn't expect to go to church and bawl my eyes out, but that's what happened. From the time of the prayer all the way through the sermon, I barely stopped crying. But it was what my heart needed to hear. God still loves me, and I don't need to be afraid or not at peace. He is here with me.
On a side note, and a completely ridiculous one, the lobster and I have committed to tithing. It sounds dumb and not that big of a deal, but for us it's a tremendous one. Our income is accounted for down to the last penny, and I was very afraid to make the commitment. But God assured my heart that He will provide for us, when we follow His will. So the last amount of money we had for this week, I put in the offering plate (I'm not saying this for self praise...I deserve none). And I was thinking on my way to church how badly I wanted to eat out after church, but that I knew He would provide. I also asked God to show me that He would take care of me. Well at church, they announced a reminder for the new attendees to go to the lunch with the pastors after church. I had completely forgotten that we RSVP'd the event! And God just showed me, that He knew I didn't want to come home and make lunch, and He took care of it for me! Isn't it great how God knows our ridiculous desires, and will still give them to us?
This morning, I slept in because of the massive amount of painkillers I am on for my back. I got up at about noon (I was on A LOT of painkillers), and when I walked out to the living room, my husband just grabbed me and started crying. He said, "I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave you." In a strange way, I cherished the ability to be there for him. I treasured being able to hug him and kiss him and comfort him. He said that he is so angry and he doesn't know why. I said, maybe you're angry because you have to go and you don't want to. And I think it's true. I know it's been true for me. I'm angry that he has to go. And often times when you're angry about something out of your control, you end up taking it out on the people you love. The lobster and I have been arguing a lot. I think it's because we're angry and it's some sick self protecting way of trying to have it not hurt so much when we actually say goodbye for a year. He is my prince charming, my hearts love. I can't even begin to explain to people the love that I have for this man. And the love that I know he has for me. I don't question it. It's engraved in my heart, how much he loves me. And I feel lucky.
A bunch of random thoughts today. I am on painkillers.... :)
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