Love

The month of my fortieth year. The year that one has eyes on with a laser like focus after 25. The only thing I want is you. The hurt is heavy, love. The weight feels like something I don't want to hold. I'm whining...

You are the only man I have ever wanted to be beautiful for. I probably should have written "human" because I have thus far never desired to be beautiful for a woman, but I digress... You're the only person I have ever worried about my outfit, my hair, my eyebrows, my nails... You're the only person that I have agonized over whether or not something flatters me in all the right places, for. I have spent more hours wanting you to think I'm beautiful, than I care to admit. But yet, here I am doing so. 

When I was young and single, so many people told me I needed to go-for-the-guy who was stronger than me, more stubborn. While I never disagreed with that, I also knew that I needed my "person" to impact more than that: I needed to feel like a woman. Perhaps that's what your strength has ultimately given me: the ability to be feminine, vulnerable, fragile. When you came in to my life, I didn't have to "be" anything anymore. Just myself, with all of her pieces, both intact and broken. I could be afraid of the dark, struggle to always fall asleep, insecure and uncertain, while yelling with a confidence unrivaled. All of me. 

When our children inevitably read this blog, I hope they most take away this life lesson in regards to love: be with the person who scares you so ferociously because they help you to be a more fantastic version of yourself. Period. Let them see it all, exposed, open, and if they compel you to further greatness, then you know. Be also that person for them.

When I complain that I can not handle the tasks laid before me, you are the voice that cheers me on, with genuine support and an abundance of laughter. When I believe lies about myself, you are the voice that reminds me to listen to the truth. When I feel like I can't keep going, you come along side of me with such a joyful energy that I can focus on my breathing and take it one step at a time. 

I love everything about you, love. I love watching you grow and develop and deepen yourself as a man. I love watching how you love me. I love listening to how you equip, serve, and lead the people you work with. I love being your partner in crime, the ear to your jokes, and the heart that you hold. I miss you. I'll be seeing you.