Mess

 America,

Every attempt to write about him, or to talk about him, falls short. It's like trying to write a piece of music that expresses how the ocean moves against the shore. Nothing quite sums it up. 

If you come to me to support the dissolution of your marriage, you're not going to get it. I believe that marriages are made to be hard, heavy, challenging, exhausting. I believe that marriages are like trying to win a race to the top of Mount Everest. They take an astronomical amount of blood, sweat, tears, endurance, and perseverance. They take a multitude of cursing escapades, an abundance of begging God, and words of praise. Marriage is messy and hard and ugly. But it's also more beautiful than the most beautiful sunrise you've ever seen. It's more breathtaking than a full moon as it's low against planet Earth. It's more outstanding than the sight of your favorite person after a long time apart.

My marriage has been as ugly and messy as they can get. There have been more nightmares and hardships than anyone other than him understands. There have been so many screaming matches, silent treatments, and moments where all hope was lost. There were years of darkness that I didn't believe we could crawl out of. He's an asshole and a gentleman and the funniest person I've ever known. He's stubborn beyond what anyone can possibly imagine. He's also the safest place I've ever been. He's the most supportive person on the planet. He is willing to dive in, head first, with me in all of the darkest places I've been. He holds my hand and sits next to me waiting for me to be ready to climb out of the holes I sometimes find myself in. He supports the grief I feel about the struggles we navigate, and he somehow thinks I'm fantastic when most days I'm a centimeter away from being a complete and utter basket case.

There have been so many periods where we didn't like each other at all, where we felt like the Grand Canyon was between us and connection was impossible. We have walked through hell and back and there again. 

Marriage is amazing. I'm forever only his. By God's grace we're still messing it up, and building it back together again. By God's strength we're still fighting to be holding each other's hands, and wrapped around each other at night. There's no one on earth that compares to him. I'm thankful for every war we've fought, every battle we've lost, every moment we've laughed, and every second we've been together and apart. This mess is magical.