Present

Time keeps on ticking. It keeps on pummeling through, slow and steady. Sometimes it drags and drags, sometimes you can't slow it down. Funny how our feelings make the steady rhythm of time feel different.

People tell parents not to take it for granted, the snuggles the tiredness, the littleness of the babies. They tell you to cherish the tears and all of the ugliness because one day it will be gone. The truth is, America, you won't know it when it is. You will not realize it's your last time giving them a bath, or washing their hair. You won't know the last time that they climb in your lap and squeeze your cheeks in their hands. You won't know the last time they wobble over to you and fall in to your arms. You won't know the last time you feed them their food, or need to clean up their face after dinner. You won't know the last time a question like "Would you like me to hold your hand" no longer is answered with YES! Please be with me Mommy! but instead will get a casual shoulder shrug and a If you want to. You won't realize it until it happens, and that's when you'll feel sad.

We are raising independence. It's one of the most beautiful actions I have ever made. It very well could be the best thing I've ever done. Not in terms of their life choices, or who they grow up to be, but in the very act of raising independence. Their choices, careers, spouses, etc are their own. I will not wear a badge of honor or dishonor in regards to them. But their independence? That's all us (and Jesus. Always Jesus.).

From the moment of my oldest's birth, independence has been the goal, and the heartache. When she left my body, I remember sobbing to her Daddy This is her first step of not needing me anymore. He kind of chuckled and told me I was ridiculous. We were caring for a newborn baby, she clearly was not independent, but her physical life was no longer dependent on mine. Her heart beat did not need mine to keep going. Her lungs did not need mine to keep breathing. Her body was on its own now. We were no longer one flesh, but now two, and it hurt my heart.

These days, my first born looks closer and closer to an adult. Her demeanor and attitude is very serious and intense. The little girl who used to giggle and laugh is still in there, but the complexities of growing up are moving in. I remember her telling me just a few years ago that she didn't want to grow up, because she always wanted me to take care of her. I remember telling her that it happens gradually, she probably won't notice until one day she'll look back and realize it's happened. I told her Don't take any moment for granted. In the blink of an eye, you will be an adult.

I feel proud of her independence. But I would be a liar if I said I didn't miss the days when her needs from me were more pronounced and less cryptic. I long for the days when the demands were obvious. I miss the simplicity.

We have entered in to the dance of grey areas and hazy lines. It's as if the fog has rolled in and the ground is hidden. We know it's there, we know we're standing on it, but we can't see it.

I'm not confused, America. I know she needs me now just as much (if not more so) than she did then. I understand that our work is not complete. I grasp that as long as there is breath in my lungs, it never will be. I will always be advocating, educating, supporting, encouraging, correcting, and on and on.

When they tell you not to take it for granted, what they really mean is this: enjoy the exhausting simplicity. Enjoy the simple demands and questions. Revel in the child who calls for you, cries for you, looks to you.

As the mom of triplets, I completely grasp how exhausting it all is. Every single moment of parenting is daunting. Without Jesus, I don't think I could handle it. The sheer magnitude of the responsibility is enough to make any sane person's knees buckle. A person's whole life is dependent on you not being a selfish asshole (which happens to be exactly what I am). It's completely insane! But it's also beautiful. It's fantastically, painfully beautiful. I wouldn't trade it for the world.