The Fellowship

Here it is. The beginning of the end of this endeavor. In some ways, I feel like Frodo... too exhausted to continue, unwilling to let go of this new something that has come as a result of this experience. I feel...

I wish I had words. I wish I was an artist or a musician so that I could paint or play what I can't define because there's too much of it. Too much big and confusing and contradictory stuff to every be able to make sense of it. Yet, my passion for words results in my attempt to do so anyway. In some part, for you America, but mostly because I want to remember for me.

My struggle this past year has been deeply private and personal. Outside of my very inner, inner circle, few have known about what I have navigated. I think there's a lot of beauty in that. There are phases in our life that need to be privately navigated... quietly experienced, and processed. There are undefinable hurts, even for this word loving gal.

I am so immensely excited to be unified again. And so utterly terrified of it too. The journey of last year changed so many things in me, and that makes what is ahead of me look so different, unpredictable, and scary.

I've learned I'm so much more fragile that I ever realized. I've also learned I'm so much more strong too. I've realized so much about my value that I've forgotten or ignored for so many years I can't even describe it. I've found new passions, that were born out of immense embarrassment and challenge, but I genuinely  love  them. I have actually fallen fantastically in this beautiful fascinating love phase for my children. To explain (I have always loved, loved, loved them), I have fallen in love with their fascination for things. I've been able to wake up from the haze of illness and disorders, into how they learn, how they challenge, how they grow. America, I wish I could share with you the absolute beauty in that. I wish I could make you see how much being a Mom has given me such joy. I wish I could show you the tears that pour joyfully out of my eyes at the very thought of them. Most of all, I want them to see it. I want them to understand it and know it deeply in their whole bodies, hearts and minds: they are the most valuable of all values to me. They are worth more than rubies, more than diamonds, more than my "youthful" body, my sleep, my anything. They are priceless and I adore them. Flaws and all. They're a blast to love. Even on the "bad" days.

I've changed. I'm not who I was. I'm still uncomfortable saying "no" but I'm now willing to do it. I've learned to stop trying to please everyone, but to also sift out the people in my life just around for the ride, or the side line tickets to the freak show. I've grown in my deep and immense love for my inner circle of support. These people have shed tears with me in ways you couldn't believe this past year. They've had mercy, when I had none, they've shown love, when I've felt so lost. They've literally been the porch lights for me to follow out of darkness. They are, together, my Samwise Gamgee. This journey would have fallen apart if it wasn't for them carrying me through.

How does one begin to define the feelings? Where do the words begin? I'm not really sure. But I can tell you that this adventure finishes in a matter of hours. Then a new one will begin.

I hope it's a comedy, America. I really like those. :)