Crisis

I think in the life of every Christian, there comes a moment when you stand still and you honestly have to say Where the hell are You? I have heard it so often said that to say that, to even think it is complete blasphemy but I'm going to have to call BS on that. I think to reject it, shove it down, deny it is the blasphemy. To admit it. To dive into it. To cry out about it and mourn it is the truth. And isn't a relationship only a relationship as long as it's truthful? When it becomes mired in deception and secrecy then it is on a slippery slope of destruction. I don't want that, ever, with You.

So I'm sitting here in my grandfather's red chair and I'm saying Where the HELL are You? Because I don't have the faintest idea as to what You're doing. I'm not interested in the wishy washy, stereotypical "christian" answers. I don't want Bible verses shoved down my throat, and I don't want people telling me to just keep "holding on". I am hurt. I am angry. I am having a pity party. And what comforts me is that I know You at least bought the party hats and You're here... somewhere... even if I can't see You.

I feel so fatigued. I feel so broken. I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel of my existence and everything is confusing and complicated. I feel like throwing in the towel and running away as fast and as far as I can. Why? I feel like I'm my own echo and like I'm my own shadow all at the same time. And the sound that keeps playing over and over and over and over again is Why? Why? Why?


I miss You. I miss the comfort of You and the peace that washes over me when I can feel You. I miss the assurance of Your understanding. I miss being able to grasp everything that was happening. And now I don't. Now it just seems like an avalanche of confusion is blasting down this mountain that You've expected me to climb.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I know I should be grateful. You've given me the world's best climbing partner ever. And he truly is amazing. I don't know how I would function without his existence. I am terrified that one day he'll wake up and take off. I should be glad that I have four living children. I should be thankful that they are walking around here with me.

Why do I feel so broken? Why is it so easy to destroy my will? I don't want to do this anymore. Why can't I have some miracle and some amazing scenario of magic?

Please come back here to me. Wash away the confusion and just come back and let me feel Your love. It's all that sustains me. As much as Chief helps me to endure, You! and You alone are what keeps me alive. Apart from You I am nothing. I have nothing to give and no way to thrive. I need Your comfort. I need Your embrace. I need Your understanding. And when You come I will be whole again.