I thought I had dealt with this. Yet here I sit, with this book right next to me, barely able to make it through one page. Tears are pouring out of my eyes. Today in church, tears just kept coming. "God doesn't make mistakes. He makes people as He intends them to be." Why was that statement so exceptionally painful to hear? Why when I heard it did I sit in my seat fighting back tears? I thought I had processed and dealt with her autism. Yet, here it is. In my lap and tears are falling.

We have gone through several months with her seeming to be so normal, that I suppose I forgot. Or maybe I adapted. I can not be sure. But here lately, so much of the behavior that seemed to be gone for good is back with a vengeance. Her speech is difficult to understand, assuming she'll talk at all. She is withdrawn. Disconnected. She sort of wanders around aimlessly. She doesn't want to be held, but she doesn't want to not be held. She's been pulling her hair recently. She hits herself again, and slaps her face. She's biting herself again.

She doesn't listen. She barely uses utensils anymore. All of this since the 4th of July.

Some of it may honestly be that we ran out of a supplement that she has been on. I hate to be dependent on a supplement or vitamin, but truthfully, DHA and ARA and fish oil make HUGE differences in her behavior. It's almost like her brain is cloudy and foggy and something in those supplements help to clear things up a bit. I ran out and I have ordered more, but they're not here yet.

I also think this is happening for a purpose. I need to be reminded. I obviously have not dealt with it. I clearly have not accepted that this is here for good. It won't go away. And it hurts. Not in a selfish oh woe is me way. But it hurts because I hurt for her. This is my child. My beautiful, immaculate, and wonderful little girl. If you could see the beauty in her...if you could just understand her, you would fall madly in love with her.

God made her this way. There is a purpose, a meaning behind it. He has allowed her to be this way.

Why is this book so difficult for me to read? Why do I feel almost frozen still? I have known for the last three years that she was "different". I have known that she did not fit into the status quo of any child I had ever known, for a long time. Or perhaps, I have always known. I don't think I can clearly put it into words.

I guess I will just have to go through this. One page at a time. One sentence at a time. I know I need to read it. I know I have to process the information. I know this is a journey that I will take. I MUST take. How can I possibly allow her to walk this road alone? I will not. I CAN not. So I will cry my tears. I will sit here with my box of kleenex. I will go through the process of coming to understand...she is perfectly and wonderfully made. She is beautiful, immaculate. And all of my dreams...all of my hopes...are nothing in comparison to the purpose that she has been created for. I will let go. I am thankful for this day. I am thankful for this moment. I am thankful for her presence here. Oh the lessons that she has taught me. And continues to teach me.

There is this song that every single time I hear it, makes me cry. If you have never had a child with "difficulties"...then it is probably difficult for you to relate to. For me this song brings me enormous amounts of comfort. Because I remember the exact moment where the words he says happened in my life. He sings, "When you realize the dreams you've had for your child won't come true. And when the phone rings in the middle of the night with tragic news. Whatever valley, you must walk through...Jesus will meet you there." It is by Steven Curtis Chapman. I remember the moment when I realized it. I remember the moment that it finally hit me that she was "different". And even now, as I recall that moment, my heart breaks all over again. There is so much that I want for her and I don't know if it will ever be possible. But none of this really matters. Ultimately, the only thing that really matters, is that she was created for a purpose. She wasn't an accident. She wasn't erroneously created. And neither was I. God knew that one day I would give birth to a child in this situation. And He knew that I could handle it. He also knew that I would so desperately and deeply need His presence, His love, and His healing in order to do it. So I am thankful. I am grateful that Jesus has met me here. And I know that He and I are walking side by side, hand in hand, down the road. He's on one side, she's in the middle, and I'm on the other. I find enormous comfort, also, that one day I will pass away, but she will not be alone. Her Creator will still be walking with her.