hm.

It is almost over. I am almost finished enduring a very large trial. But it's strange to be rounding the bend with the finish line in sight...and feeling the way that I do. My mom asked me if when my husband left Iraq, if I felt a sense of peace that he was finally "safe" and I had to honestly say, no. The reason I answered "no" was because I never had anxiety that his life was in danger in Iraq. I genuinely believed (and still do) that his life was and is in God's hands and regardless of his physical location...when it's his time to go, he will go.

I feel...peaceful. I feel eager. I am extremely excited, but I also am wondering how this next transition will go. Of course, I hope that all will go smoothly and everything will fall in to place quickly and simply...but I also know that there are beautiful lessons in challenging adjustments, and I am excited either way. I am excited if it goes smoothly, and I am excited if it doesn't.

I love my husband deeply. I admire him with an intensity and a passion I have not known myself to be capable of. He truly is my best friend. He is my warrior, my lover, my companion...my beautiful, beautiful gift. I am eager to sleep next to him in our bed, and to watch him play with our children. I am eager to delight in being his bride. I am eager to be once again with my beloved.

I guess what I have wanted to say, and what I believe is the most important is that my life does not end, nor begin again with his absence or his presence. I know that my husband loves me, deeply, passionately, whether he is home or whether he is far away. My value as a woman, a mother, his wife... is not dependent on his physical presence. I have seen time and time again, woman who practically cease to exist in the absence of their spouse. I have seen women who disintegrate emotionally while their husbands are gone. I have BEEN that woman. I have been the woman who lived or died daily on whether or not my husband called or wrote or whatevered... I spent countless nights worrying, fearing, fighting, crying, and falling to pieces... My God has promised me that my peace comes from Him and HIM alone. It does not come because my husband kisses me goodnight, or cuddles me in the morning, or thinks I'm beautiful, or compliments me enough. It does not stop coming because my husband is mean or rude or insensitive. God tells me that my value comes from HIM.

I love my husband. Deeply, freely, intensely. But I honestly believe that I am more free to love him the way he needs me to and wants me to, because my value comes from Christ.