and so it goes...

I am sitting here in my grandfather's chair listening to my husband put the kids to bed. He is leaving to go back to Iraq. Tonight is an emotional night. These moments have been filled with laughter, and also with tears. Tonight the children will lay down to sleep with laughs and smiles and happy thoughts, and tomorrow they will wake up and he will be gone again. We have prepared them. They know that he will be gone in the morning....they know he's in the military and that he leaves to protect people... But I always wonder if they will ever feel abandoned. I have often wondered if children feel abandoned because of the things the parent left behind says, or if they feel abandoned because of the actions the parents leaving makes, of if they feel abandoned simply because the parent isn't there. Both my husband and I work very hard at assuring the children of his love. In our home, we daily pray for him, we look at pictures, watch videos, talk on the webcam, and talk about happy times with daddy. Every night I tell them how much he loves them and can't wait to be with them again. My husband works extremely hard to show them how much they mean to him. He is in no way, an absentee father. When he is home with us, he is engaged, involved, and a complete participant in every way. How will all of these deployments affect my children in the long run? My husband and I are adults...we have CHOSEN this life. Our children just sort of have had it pushed on them. Will they grow up having dysfunctional ideas about love and relationships? Will they seek out emotionally unavailable men because of some need to "replace" their father? Is it quantity of time that matters, or quality?
And so now the time has come. Our oldest child is having her story read to her and then off she will go to bed. My husband and I will do what we always do on the eve of a separation...watch the Notebook (his idea), snuggle in bed and then cry and comfort each other until we fall asleep. I will savor each second of hearing his heartbeat. I will revel in every breath and the warmth that comes off of him next to me. I will sleep peacefully, and in full comfort with his gentleness and love. And in the morning, I will rise and I will take him to the airport and I will let go of him when it's time for him to walk away. I swear to you this...only with God as my strength am I able to get in the car and come home. Only with God holding my arms and my legs am I able to let go of him and then walk away. Only through Christ will I be able to comfort my children when they cry in the morning. And only through my Lord and Savior will I have a peace that surpasses all understanding, in the midst of my heartache and sadness. It is out of selfishness that I cry. Because I would give anything to have him stay here. But it is out of obedience that he goes. And in his sense of duty, I also find mine. I will obey my God and king, by obeying my husband, and caring for our children, and carrying on. All praise and glory to Christ my king. May the days of separation go by quickly.