I showed up in this town with three babies. Three tiny human beings who were so frail and so... I don't even know. Their older sister was just over two. I honestly can't remember the road trip very much. I have a few random snippets of memories, but they aren't clear in my mind.
Seven years... Seven years brought a plethora of jokes about being Moses'd and never leaving. Seven years has brought four post commander, Brigade commander, Battalion commander changes... Countless company leaders have come and gone. Soldiers, volunteers, friends... Beautiful friends have moved on and away. I began to feel like a concrete pillar. I felt cemented here. I felt resigned.
And then the Army came and changed the game plan (as the Army so often does). What was the plan, is no longer the plan, and now there is a new one.
I've got to be honest with you, America, my heart broke in that levee briefing. It seems so strange to write that. It is bizarre to feel heartbroken about leaving this place that in so many ways, felt like where happiness went to die. It is irritating that when I began to feel of it as home, was when it was taken away.
These walls watched my children learn to walk, read, write... These walls surrounded me while my husband deployed (a few times), my children grieved, and my heart ached. These walls have listened to seven years of laughter and love. These walls surrounded us as we mourned our beloved Jake, and the three babies that my body couldn't hold on to. This house stopped being a "house" and became my home.
And now I have to leave it. And it hurts like hell. It reduces me to tears and it makes my heart ache, to know that these days, these moments, are ticking away. They are on a countdown to done, and a new story will begin. I will turn in the keys and drive away and this house will hold someone else's memories.
I don't want to go.
I wonder if this is how Moses and the Israelites felt. Their wandering in the desert was over, and now the new chapter was about to begin. Did they grieve leaving the familiar? Did it hurt to move on? I think they were afraid. I'm guessing that because in the beginning of Moses' replacement, God keeps telling him to "be strong and courageous". Why would God tell him that if he did not feel weak and fearful? Maybe... grief?
I am excited for our next chapter. I am looking forward to the new memories and the new experiences that will come with it. I am hopeful for the next page.
But I am still aching. This place is worth that. These memories deserve it. The friends I leave behind... my great, great friend I leave behind, is worth it.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Hope
Nuggets,
I get accused of a lot of things. Some people think I'm mean. Others think I'm controlling. People tell me I'm too passive, or too much of a people pleaser. I also hear that I'm inconsiderate, and I don't care about the feelings of people other than myself. I'm too sarcastic, or too serious. I'm too sad or too cheerful. I'm too this or too that or too blue or too orange... yada yada yada yada. Why am I telling you this, my dear nuggets? Because even though I'm a "grown up" I'm still being criticized. I'm still being "picked on."
I know it hurts when people point out what they would like you to do differently. I've spent a lifetime having that pointed out to me. The truth is, it doesn't stop because you "grow up". It doesn't change because you become a parent. Human nature, it seems, is to be fixated on how to improve our opinions of ourselves, often times at the expense of others'. How does that manifest itself in real life? By telling everyone else what they're doing wrong, and very rarely saying what they're doing right.
I hope, with all my might, that you will not be like that. I hope you will choose to take off the ugly glasses with which so many people view themselves, or the world, or others. My hope is that you will instead looking around at those around you and choose to see what they're doing right. Of course this is not something that will be accomplished always. And absolutely we need to be able to communicate our wants, expectations and needs. But I hope you will not be the type of people who do so with a need to destroy. I hope you will learn to communicate in an edifying manner. I hope you will understand that no matter how hard you try, someone will always be dissatisfied, and that the fact of this will not destroy your sense of worth. I hope you will be stronger than me, and that you will learn from my mistakes.
I love you!
I get accused of a lot of things. Some people think I'm mean. Others think I'm controlling. People tell me I'm too passive, or too much of a people pleaser. I also hear that I'm inconsiderate, and I don't care about the feelings of people other than myself. I'm too sarcastic, or too serious. I'm too sad or too cheerful. I'm too this or too that or too blue or too orange... yada yada yada yada. Why am I telling you this, my dear nuggets? Because even though I'm a "grown up" I'm still being criticized. I'm still being "picked on."
I know it hurts when people point out what they would like you to do differently. I've spent a lifetime having that pointed out to me. The truth is, it doesn't stop because you "grow up". It doesn't change because you become a parent. Human nature, it seems, is to be fixated on how to improve our opinions of ourselves, often times at the expense of others'. How does that manifest itself in real life? By telling everyone else what they're doing wrong, and very rarely saying what they're doing right.
I hope, with all my might, that you will not be like that. I hope you will choose to take off the ugly glasses with which so many people view themselves, or the world, or others. My hope is that you will instead looking around at those around you and choose to see what they're doing right. Of course this is not something that will be accomplished always. And absolutely we need to be able to communicate our wants, expectations and needs. But I hope you will not be the type of people who do so with a need to destroy. I hope you will learn to communicate in an edifying manner. I hope you will understand that no matter how hard you try, someone will always be dissatisfied, and that the fact of this will not destroy your sense of worth. I hope you will be stronger than me, and that you will learn from my mistakes.
I love you!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Fun
Nuggets,
Have fun. I think that's a sentence that is often times lost on the perfectionists of the world. We are constantly striving towards some greater element of success in ourselves. We work like crazy to achieve some unknown internal mental success bar that, truth be told, is not really achievable. We bombard our brains with requirements and we dig in and work ourselves to the bone, and at the end of the day, where do we stand. Have we actually enjoyed anything?
I struggle with having fun. I wonder if you will grow up understanding that to be true in me. I spend so much time laughing and making jokes, that I sometimes think it's impossible for people to see that. I struggle with being present in the moment. I give so much of myself to honor my commitments. Honor, integrity, loyalty... these are big deals to me. But fun...? It's not so much on my radar. I am trying to change that.
You see, Nuggets, I want to learn to be more like you. I want to wake up and find wonder is silly things. I want to awaken my imagination and sense of awe. I want to be present in each moment that we are together.
So have fun. I'm trying to. :)
Have fun. I think that's a sentence that is often times lost on the perfectionists of the world. We are constantly striving towards some greater element of success in ourselves. We work like crazy to achieve some unknown internal mental success bar that, truth be told, is not really achievable. We bombard our brains with requirements and we dig in and work ourselves to the bone, and at the end of the day, where do we stand. Have we actually enjoyed anything?
I struggle with having fun. I wonder if you will grow up understanding that to be true in me. I spend so much time laughing and making jokes, that I sometimes think it's impossible for people to see that. I struggle with being present in the moment. I give so much of myself to honor my commitments. Honor, integrity, loyalty... these are big deals to me. But fun...? It's not so much on my radar. I am trying to change that.
You see, Nuggets, I want to learn to be more like you. I want to wake up and find wonder is silly things. I want to awaken my imagination and sense of awe. I want to be present in each moment that we are together.
So have fun. I'm trying to. :)
Friday, April 25, 2014
Ring on it
In less than a month, my last name turns 10. Ten years ago I walked in to a church and put a ring on this dude's finger, half panicking throughout the entire ordeal, riddled with sweat, and nearly vomiting. The inner monologue is all comedy now, but then... I felt like a caged bird. Strange thing to say about the greatest single situation I've ever committed myself to.
Try as I may to hide it, I guess somehow the story got leaked that I adore him or something. I linked up with the single most capable person of handling my personality and my sense of humor and I get to shag him too (Don't be jealous America. You will find your own piece of hottness too!). Yowza!
I wish I could write effectively what a day in our lives is like. I wish I could express how much of our days we spend laughing together. I wish I could communicate how his face still makes my stomach do sommersaults, and his hands interlocking with mine, make me the bravest person on the planet. I wish I could effectively say how his laugh instantly melts my irritated heart and warms it up. I wish I could define it so that other people could understand it, so that I could somehow bottle it up to make it last for forever and ever and hand it down to our children.
Lolli reminds me often Love is the only thing that never goes away. It never dies. The act of loving is unending, infinite, the greatest of miracles. He is my big shining ball of miracle.
So we're about to turn 10, Chief... Double digits... How you doin? ;)
Try as I may to hide it, I guess somehow the story got leaked that I adore him or something. I linked up with the single most capable person of handling my personality and my sense of humor and I get to shag him too (Don't be jealous America. You will find your own piece of hottness too!). Yowza!
I wish I could write effectively what a day in our lives is like. I wish I could express how much of our days we spend laughing together. I wish I could communicate how his face still makes my stomach do sommersaults, and his hands interlocking with mine, make me the bravest person on the planet. I wish I could effectively say how his laugh instantly melts my irritated heart and warms it up. I wish I could define it so that other people could understand it, so that I could somehow bottle it up to make it last for forever and ever and hand it down to our children.
Lolli reminds me often Love is the only thing that never goes away. It never dies. The act of loving is unending, infinite, the greatest of miracles. He is my big shining ball of miracle.
So we're about to turn 10, Chief... Double digits... How you doin? ;)
Monday, March 31, 2014
Christian Troubles
I think as the sea of busy-ness consumes me, and I feel like I'm watching my life happen through photographs and videos and other people's experiences, it is important to figure how to stand still. It's not something that I've ever been good at. I don't thrive in stillness or silence. I think it's because stillness compels action. And who wants to actually have to stare down their own demons? Who wants to actually examine their selfishness, greed, pride? Who wants to acknowledge the evil that they so eloquently hide?
I think it's the biggest problem with Christianity. We convince ourselves that we're nice, and that we're loving, and that we're "good" people. We tell ourselves all of these self inflating things, and we absorb these notions about ourselves that make us feel better. But when we put ourselves up against the image of Christ, when we sit still enough to absorb it, and allow our reflections to settle in, then we are forced to accept things we don't want to: either Christ is a lie, or we are probably not following Him like we think we are.
It's why Heavenly distance is so comforting. It's why "christian" stagnation seems to be so prevalent. We can be and do and say and have whatever we want and we don't really need to be any different from anyone else and we get to go to heaven too! It's a win-win. Except it's completely unbiblical. It's immensely anti Christian history. It is basically the opposite of what our role models have laid out for us.
So I sit here and I think to myself that I am the guiltiest of all in regards to this "problem" of Christianity. I think that my life really doesn't look all that different from anyone else's. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to get on the right road to salvation. I wonder if a time will come when I will know that I have figured out how to get it right.
I think it's the biggest problem with Christianity. We convince ourselves that we're nice, and that we're loving, and that we're "good" people. We tell ourselves all of these self inflating things, and we absorb these notions about ourselves that make us feel better. But when we put ourselves up against the image of Christ, when we sit still enough to absorb it, and allow our reflections to settle in, then we are forced to accept things we don't want to: either Christ is a lie, or we are probably not following Him like we think we are.
It's why Heavenly distance is so comforting. It's why "christian" stagnation seems to be so prevalent. We can be and do and say and have whatever we want and we don't really need to be any different from anyone else and we get to go to heaven too! It's a win-win. Except it's completely unbiblical. It's immensely anti Christian history. It is basically the opposite of what our role models have laid out for us.
So I sit here and I think to myself that I am the guiltiest of all in regards to this "problem" of Christianity. I think that my life really doesn't look all that different from anyone else's. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to get on the right road to salvation. I wonder if a time will come when I will know that I have figured out how to get it right.
Monday, March 10, 2014
To You
Two glasses of wine, candlelight, a bench, you, and our backyard... this is what comforts my spirit. This is where the words I've had bottled up and under lock and key can find their way to the surface and out of my mouth.
Your fingers found my back in the darkness. They run like electricity through me. It is like I am frozen and you are warmth. Your touch softens me. Your words revive me. Sometimes I am so tired of talking. Sometimes there is nothing left to say. So we sit on a bench, and your hands find my flesh, and I find comfort there.
This is what I need... You.
Your fingers found my back in the darkness. They run like electricity through me. It is like I am frozen and you are warmth. Your touch softens me. Your words revive me. Sometimes I am so tired of talking. Sometimes there is nothing left to say. So we sit on a bench, and your hands find my flesh, and I find comfort there.
This is what I need... You.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Letter To The Police
Police Officer,
I honked at you as you pulled out in front of me on my way to church. I had to brake very hard to avoid T-boning you. The honk was to tell you to hurry up, I might hit you.
In a normal day, I would have muttered some derogatory phrase. Something like look at this idiot! Or HELLOOOOO!!!!! But not today. I can't give myself any credit for that. It did not come from myself. Instead of cursing you, my soul uttered a blessing. God be with her and keep her safe. Thank you for preventing an accident. Give her energy, clarity, and focus today. Sustain her, help her to be alert.
I can't imagine what it's like for you to be a police officer. I can't even begin to share the immense level of respect I have for you. We live in a society that is so quick to berate, complain, and bash you and the profession that you hold. I give you the highest esteem. You make me and my children safer. You settle horrible situations, and you walk in to people's lives in the worst of moments. You have to make very quick decisions that affect people for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine the stress that must place on your heart and mind.
I couldn't remember if I closed the garage door, so I had to turn around and come back home. As I pulled back up to my housing area, you were slowed down and speaking to a person walking down the street. Perhaps this is why you were distracted and pulled out in front of me. Maybe you were in the middle of searching for a lost teen, or a disgruntled soldier. Maybe you were looking for a stolen item. Maybe you were just making sure that person was safe, and okay, and not in need of help. Maybe you were exhausted from a horrible night and you're just trying to get through the final hour of your shift before you can go home and fall in to bed. Maybe you're drained from people cursing you, yelling at you, hating you...
I want you to know that I am praying for you, and all of the other individuals who share your profession. I want to declare that I teach my children that you are heroes, and you should be valued as such. My children shout out "THANK YOU!" at the top of their lungs when you drive by in your cars. I wave, but most of the time you don't see (my guess is you've become so accustomed to being flipped off that you've learned to stop looking). I. am. thankful. for. you.
There have been moments when you've held my own life in your hands. You were course, rough, and not exactly the most friendly. But God gave you the ability to see what the needs were, and handle the situation. I am in awe. You saw me in my ugliest moment, knee deep in the middle of what was the worst period of my life, the darkest journey my soul has walked through to date. I was desperate, destroyed, lost. And you were about to arrest me. Crazy, isn't it? That I still admired you, as you read me my rights? I did and I do. Because it's your job to defend the law, to protect the people, to participate in justice.
It worked out that the truth was exposed (before I was cuffed). You had the ability to see through my lies, my protection, my attempt to hold it all together, and you saved me. You saved me when I was incapable of saving myself. You protected me when I was resistant to the safety that you offered. You were my heroes, even when I was so terrified of the result of that heroism. And you, saved my life. You helped to give me back what I adored with every fiber of my being. And I bet you never knew it. You were there and gone in one night and you never knew that you changed my world for the better.
I'm sure I've over sharing a bit. I tend to ramble about things that really matter to me. I often times repeat myself over and over again, because the clarity of thought is difficult to separate from the intensity of the sincere emotions. Please know this: I value your contribution to my safety. I will continue to buy you a meal, when I can. I will continue to wave when you drive by. I will do my best to show you my gratitude, make you have a smile, and brighten your day. I will continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will protect your heart and mind from bitterness and resentment, that you will remain soft despite all of the horrible components to humanity that you see every day. I will continue to pray for your families to have peace and comfort despite you always having to work on Christmas/New Years/Thanksgiving/weekends/every-other-holiday. I will continue to pray for your safety because this is Jesus, as I know Him to be. And this is Love the only way I know how to show it.
I hope your day today is filled with an abundance of blessings. I hope you are flooded with beauty and majesty and glory today. I hope you know you are valued.
Sincerely,
The Honking Mom
I honked at you as you pulled out in front of me on my way to church. I had to brake very hard to avoid T-boning you. The honk was to tell you to hurry up, I might hit you.
In a normal day, I would have muttered some derogatory phrase. Something like look at this idiot! Or HELLOOOOO!!!!! But not today. I can't give myself any credit for that. It did not come from myself. Instead of cursing you, my soul uttered a blessing. God be with her and keep her safe. Thank you for preventing an accident. Give her energy, clarity, and focus today. Sustain her, help her to be alert.
I can't imagine what it's like for you to be a police officer. I can't even begin to share the immense level of respect I have for you. We live in a society that is so quick to berate, complain, and bash you and the profession that you hold. I give you the highest esteem. You make me and my children safer. You settle horrible situations, and you walk in to people's lives in the worst of moments. You have to make very quick decisions that affect people for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine the stress that must place on your heart and mind.
I couldn't remember if I closed the garage door, so I had to turn around and come back home. As I pulled back up to my housing area, you were slowed down and speaking to a person walking down the street. Perhaps this is why you were distracted and pulled out in front of me. Maybe you were in the middle of searching for a lost teen, or a disgruntled soldier. Maybe you were looking for a stolen item. Maybe you were just making sure that person was safe, and okay, and not in need of help. Maybe you were exhausted from a horrible night and you're just trying to get through the final hour of your shift before you can go home and fall in to bed. Maybe you're drained from people cursing you, yelling at you, hating you...
I want you to know that I am praying for you, and all of the other individuals who share your profession. I want to declare that I teach my children that you are heroes, and you should be valued as such. My children shout out "THANK YOU!" at the top of their lungs when you drive by in your cars. I wave, but most of the time you don't see (my guess is you've become so accustomed to being flipped off that you've learned to stop looking). I. am. thankful. for. you.
There have been moments when you've held my own life in your hands. You were course, rough, and not exactly the most friendly. But God gave you the ability to see what the needs were, and handle the situation. I am in awe. You saw me in my ugliest moment, knee deep in the middle of what was the worst period of my life, the darkest journey my soul has walked through to date. I was desperate, destroyed, lost. And you were about to arrest me. Crazy, isn't it? That I still admired you, as you read me my rights? I did and I do. Because it's your job to defend the law, to protect the people, to participate in justice.
It worked out that the truth was exposed (before I was cuffed). You had the ability to see through my lies, my protection, my attempt to hold it all together, and you saved me. You saved me when I was incapable of saving myself. You protected me when I was resistant to the safety that you offered. You were my heroes, even when I was so terrified of the result of that heroism. And you, saved my life. You helped to give me back what I adored with every fiber of my being. And I bet you never knew it. You were there and gone in one night and you never knew that you changed my world for the better.
I'm sure I've over sharing a bit. I tend to ramble about things that really matter to me. I often times repeat myself over and over again, because the clarity of thought is difficult to separate from the intensity of the sincere emotions. Please know this: I value your contribution to my safety. I will continue to buy you a meal, when I can. I will continue to wave when you drive by. I will do my best to show you my gratitude, make you have a smile, and brighten your day. I will continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will protect your heart and mind from bitterness and resentment, that you will remain soft despite all of the horrible components to humanity that you see every day. I will continue to pray for your families to have peace and comfort despite you always having to work on Christmas/New Years/Thanksgiving/weekends/every-other-holiday. I will continue to pray for your safety because this is Jesus, as I know Him to be. And this is Love the only way I know how to show it.
I hope your day today is filled with an abundance of blessings. I hope you are flooded with beauty and majesty and glory today. I hope you know you are valued.
Sincerely,
The Honking Mom
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